Been waiting for the right time to write this. But I don't think there will be a right time. Waiting to have some sort of Devine revelation before writing but don't know when that will come. So hear it is, raw and real. A beautiful and sad story that is my story. And maybe yours. This is why I'm writing this, for you, who have lost one of your twins, before they were born. So you'll know you are not alone. I write for my beautiful daughter who I stare at now as she sleeps, so beautiful, such a dream you are sweet girl.
My road to motherhood has been a mix of ease, heartbreak and faith. My first born, my only son, came quite easily, 2 months after we were married we found out we were pregnant! Everything was just so simply perfect about becoming a mom, so when he turned a year we tried again. I was pregnant for a week when the two lines turned to one. Just an empty sac. So we tried again, after many tears. And the next month, same thing . There were many tears again, and the beginning of me feeling like all was lost. After another year, we tried again. Another empty sac, bleeding for days, and a broken heart. I know this story is one that happens to so many, I wasn't going to give up!
We spent the summer on beautiful block island, opened up our second shop, and I felt so relaxed, and positive there. Had to try again, and this time my 3 year prayer was answered! I was pregnant, there was a heartbeat and yes, I worried, every single day until I held my beautiful daughter in my arms.
I spent the years following just soaking up all the beauty of these babies of mine. Feeling so blessed! With some encouragement from my kids saying they wanted a baby we went for it:)
Here I was 34, if we were going to do it, no better time. Was I elated to find out I was pregnant, a heartbeat, one Healthy baby growing! But I worried, how could I not. I was sick, not your normal sick, beyond not well. Headaches, extreme fatigue. Migraines. Belly aches. I told my then ob, who never was serious, never listened to me really, the kind of physician you should run in the other direction from. But because he performed my csection last time, I felt scared to follow my gut and find a new one.
In my next appointment, where an ultrasound was not necessary really, he offered it, and I of course said yes, to comfort myself.
Well, to my surprise there were two babies. One had been hiding before. Separate sacs, separate placentas, both with heartbeats. Fraternal twins. It was as if I was in someone else's life to see and hear this.
I asked if there was anything different I needed to do...less movement, more food, more vitamins, a specialist I should see. I was 34 at the time. No they said, just act like any other pregnancy.
The terrible belly pains continued, to which the office said was normal.
The sickness, the elation, the stress, the dreams were all so so deep.
Many calls to my obgyn, and many times I was dusted off, but my gut said something wasn't right, mostly to protect myself I think, in case something was wrong. It's a defense you create when you have been through miscarriage before.
My next appointment my heart became so broken and so scared that no words could explain the pain. One baby had passed at 15.5 weeks judging by the measurements. Almost 3 weeks prior. I was carrying an angel. I am carrying an angel. But one baby was still alive. But they couldn't tell me if that would remain.
The grief was so so deep. I spent the next days sick in the bathroom, crying behind closed doors, in the arms of my husband, holding my two children as they cried. Trying to be strong. Because until I got to the specialist (which I should have seen long before) I had no idea if the baby still alive would stay in, if she was healthy, so many unknowns? Broken hearted.
The day of the fetal specialist appointment is one I won't forget. How can I look at this ultrasound? How can this be happening? please let this be a mistake. But it wasn't. I was carrying an angel.
But it turned out that I was also carrying a beautiful, healthy baby girl, who was moving, and waving and kicking, and already so beautiful. And because of her position, she was on the bottom, there was a great likelihood she would be able to be carried to full term! A miracle!
I switched my primary obgyn, to an amazing female doctor, named dr. Young. She made all the difference for me. She went above and beyond and I only wish I had met her sooner. Each passing appointment my precious girl got bigger and bigger, and my chances of carrying her full term became a closer reality.
This was no easy feat to carry a baby who passed, and one who was so very blessedly alive. The emotional strength needed to absorb that everyday was difficult to say the least.
I blamed myself, really I still do, maybe I stressed to much, maybe I needed to rest more, maybe I needed more help, maybe I wasn't eating enough. But truth is I'll never know. I had to move on. Be tough. And fight for this baby to be born.
My tools, my honest tools...my husband, who switched jobs to be home more to help me, my amazing dr's, meditation, everymothercounts blogs on miscarriage (to know I wasn't alone), my god, my kids, and my true friends.
My precious little girl was born one week before her due date by planned csection, because we truly didn't know what to expect with regard to our passed away baby, and we wanted to be sure there were no unexpected complications. And because I didn't think my heart could take the specifics of this delivery. It was too emotional.
The unexpected thing about my delivery is that there was no sign of the baby who had passed. Just a placenta was all there was.
And my baby girl, my tough, amazing, beautiful baby girl was here! I held her and kissed her, the moment so full of emotion! She made it! And all my sadness disappeared. All of it.
My kids held her so close, they had been so worried the entire pregnancy. The way they looked at her was the most beautiful moment of my life.
So here I am, my baby girl is almost 10 months old. What have I learned?
To trust my body, to trust the plans this life has for me, to let myself grieve, to let myself rejoice, to smile, because everything is going to be ok. It is my destiny. To raise my daughter to understand these things.
My biggest fear now is that she will feel alone as she gets older.
My purpose is to let her know she never is. For all my kids this is my purpose. Everyone has a story my sweet girl, and yours begins with one simple thing. You are a miracle. You are so meant to be, you are everything to all of us, and I could never feel like anything is missing from our family when I see you.
And for anyone going through this now. I'm so sorry you are. We are bonded. Know you are not alone. Forgive those who mean well with their words, but they don't make you feel better. Trust me , I know. Until you have been through it you just can't fully understand the emotions. Forgive yourself, forgive others, pray for strength, allow yourself to grieve but allow yourself joy. Laugh, smile, and count yourself as blessed. You carried an angel. This is sacred.
Don't feel ashamed, hold your head up and feel beautiful.
The hardest thing for me now is seeing twins. These days they seem to be everywhere. And I honestly feel like a failure every time i see or hear the word. But I don't dwell there, How can I? It was not my destiny. Mine is In my arms.
Be happy! This will be hard some days. But This life is yours! Choose happiness. My best to you.
the gathering garden, gifts inspired by nature